Pearl delivered one hell of a Eulogy for Stella.
She stood at the pulpit in the chapel of St. Luke’s Seaside Episcopal Church with Stella’s diary placed in front of her. It was opened to the page where Stella wrote the very last words that she would ever write.
Before she began to read, she began to reflect on the night she and Stella made love together. After they finished, they had a nap. Stella had awakened a little bit before Pearl had and wrote down the experience in her diary. As she finished, Pearl had awakened. Stella had let her read that particular entry. Flattered to know that Stella trusted her that much and aroused by what she had read, the two of them had made love again that night.
Pearl turned her attention back to the audience and began to read…
“We had just gotten back to Pearl’s place…that is to say, my home…after seeing Grinderman perform live in concert. That was the best damn concert I’ve ever been to, I must say. Looking back, if all the nightlife in Los Osos is as cool as this, I’d surely be happy to live here with Pearl.
“I’m positive that Pearl was reading my mind, because she just invited me to live with her in Los Osos. We talked a little at length about this, and in the end I told her I was so over Magmaville and all the control freaks that barge into my life every day.” At that Pearl briefly addressed the crowd, “Y’all know who you are.” and resumed reading, “Anyway, it feels like the right thing to do.
“Besides, I miss Pearl, my best friend, and I’m sure she missed me, too. Because she told me she wants to be with me. The next thing I know we started kissing each other. She’s really a phenomenal kisser, I’m telling you, truly a phenomenal kisser. The way she can work that agile tongue of hers easily sends a wave of electricity through all of my chakras. I could feel my nipples harden and my snatch began to throb as she took me in her arms and caressed me while we kissed. Her touch was so gentle, with no force at all, just this soft, gentle, flowing sensation in her strokes. I began to touch her in turn, her skin is so soft, irresistably soft, almost like a kitten…
“We began to strip…”
Pearl heard a loud sob interrupt her reading from the diary, and looked in the direction that the noise came from. It was Kent. He was blubbering uncontrollably.
Pearl just rolled her eyes and began to pick up where she left off, thinking, “I’ll give that bitch something to blubber about!” Tears had been streaming down her face throughout all this.
“We began to strip all our clothes off and once we were both naked we really got passionate with our lovemaking. We could not keep our hands off each other. Her breasts are so big and beautiful, and I loved the way they felt when they pressed up against mine. At one point I had cupped one of them in my hand and held it steady so that I could bend my head down to kiss it…”
Kent sobbed even louder. Milo was clearly annoyed by this and turned around to the pew where Kent was seated to say, “Oi, Nerdermoier, shoot th’ fook oop ollreedee!! Th reest of oos ‘re troyin tae listen, dymoind?”
Dylan shook as if he was sobbing as well…but he wasn’t. If anything, he was trying to stifle a guffaw.
Janet whispered to Richard, “You don’t suppose Stella might’ve been gay, do you Richard, or at least bi??”
Richard whispered back, “Either that, or she was just horny as hell!” The two felt guilty about chuckling even quietly at that. This was their first born that had died, after all. They couldn’t help it. They loved Pearl’s spunk.
Fergie was just aghast that this girl was reading such an explicitly sexual story in God’s church of all places!
The rector of St. Luke’s just sat back and enjoyed listening to Pearl’s eulogy.
Pearl continued to read. “And after I kissed it, I fondled that breast. As I did, she began to fondle mine. To feel those fingers stroking my nipples turns me on like nothing else. At this point I was just dying to wrap my legs around one of her thighs. I swear she must’ve read my mind again because she gently nudged my legs apart with her knee. I had my leg between hers and she had one of hers between mine. And we were both squirming on each other’s legs, just grinding our snatches on each other. That felt sooo good to feel that thigh between my legs…especially when she started caressing my ass. God, that made me tingle like I’ve never tingled before…”
“Either our daughter was very gay or Pearl’s very, very good!” Richard mumbled to his wife under his breath. He and Janet quietly chuckled some more.
“We could’ve screwed all night like this.” Pearl concluded. “I don’t know who was making who crazier; was she driving me wild or was I driving her wild? Either way, this is extreme bliss…”
With that, Pearl covered her eyes with her right hand, and broke down as she left the pulpit. She was hit hard with the realization that she would never again experience anything like that with Stella.
With some other woman, maybe, but not with Stella.
The entire congregation milled about in the chapel after funeral services for Stella concluded. Kyle Chapman came out of the men’s room when he spotted his lover Simon Webster, who was fanning himself with his copy of the memorial program and looking more than a bit anxious.
“Uh-oh…this don’t look good.” Kyle thought as Simon’s left hand went to his forehead. He could see his lover sweat a mile off. “There’s gonna be an insulin attack.”
Luckily, Kyle got to Simon pretty quickly and sat him down. He had stashed a Mars bar just in case there was no reception immediately following the memorial, and handed that to Simon. “Wheh! That was close!” Kyle thought as Simon took a bite from the candy bar. Boris the Bartender came up to the two boys briefly to let him know he’d be over at The Stud to reopen…and to make sure his nephew was okay.
Meanwhile, Simon could just see through his hypoglycemic haze the spector of Kent and Pearl facing each other through an open window in the Chapel. He could also hear Pearl screaming and shouting at Kent.
“All this time I was away not once have you even bothered to call, visit, or nothing!!! You didn’t care!!! You were too busy hitting on Stella!!! Oh yes, you were!!! She didn’t love you!!! She didn’t even wanna know you!!! She told me everything!! She cared about me if anyone outside of my family did!!! She was a better lover than you ever were!!! You know what?? Yo’ an asshole!!! That’s what you are!! No wonder everyone calls you Kunt!!! Yo’ being a cunt to me right now, trippin on me like you always do…”
Yeah, Pearl was pissed off at Kent. Simon could tell as the oxygen began to make friends with his brain cells once more. “Well, what’s the matter with her alla sudden?”
“She’s really having at the Kunt Nerdermeyer, isn’t she.” Kyle observed as he and Simon watched this whole drama play out. “Knowing him tho, he probably just did something irretrievably stupid like call her out over that diary entry she read.”
Simon guffawed between bites of candy. “That was a hell of a tribute. Man, if you weren 't so fucking attractive I might’ve considered stealing Stella right out from under everyone’s nose…just to see if she could ‘straighten’ me out.”
Kyle added, “If any woman could make a gay guy go straight, Stella could I’m sure. It’d be too easy.”
“Yeah, too easy” Simon echoed. “Except I already tried that once, long before Pearl got to her, I’m sure. Y’think I should tell her about that?”
“It’s up to you, honey. I’m not sure it’d make much difference now and besides, maybe she already knows about that.” Kyle said in reply. Then they turned their attention back to Pearl and Kent. Kent could clearly be seen turning and walking away from Pearl as she continued to cuss him out…giving her the talk-to-the-hand gesture as he moved away from her.
“Go on, then walk away!!! Go home and cry to yo’ mama!! Stupid ass bitch, you got yo’ nerve coming here just to give me yo’ shit!! Who do you think you are, bitch??”
A rush of glucose hit Simon in the brain. As highly amused as he was by the sight of Kent being told off by his ex-girlfriend, the impact caused him to burst into tears as he was laughing. He was still quite low enough to get emotional very easily, but he was fast coming out of it.
“This is too fucking hilarious right now!” Simon exclaimed, his voice breaking. He went careening from laughing to sobbing and back again. Kyle kissed him and urged him to finish that candy bar. “Look at him; he’s walking around like he’s got a bit ole stick up his ass!!”
The boys watched and laughed as Kent stormed out of the parking lot of the church.