Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Yossarian Lives!!!

Let's start in the beginning....

Richard Yossarian had come a long way to become the public access television star that he is today. It's a classic story of geeky teen turned biker rebel.

Back in High School, Richard Yossarian was what Arthur Fonzarelli onced referred to himself as..."A nerd, a real turkey!" This alone made him an easy target for bullying and rejection...both at home and in the schoolhalls. Then one afternoon, as he was about to pass by a motorcycle shop on the way home from school, he had an epiphany as a Harley Davidson that'd been sitting parked in the window display caught his eye. The very sight nearly scared him to death, but he couldn't look away. He began to think of all the people who rode these machines, wondering if they had the same fears before they started riding, thought maybe they had to overcome a lot of fears just as he does each time he leaves the house. Then it hit him that he would have to overcome that and a lot of other fears if he was ever to shed this nerdy facáde forever...and be the cool dude that he knew he was meant to be deep down.

Somewhere he found enough courage to hook up with the roughest, toughest looking gang of bikers in Magmaville, and decided not to back off until he learned to ride one of those bikes...no matter how bad he would end up getting his scrawny ass kicked. The bikers laughed and refused at first, but when he said he'd rather die at their hands than live the rest of his life as a nerd, they acquiesced. Maybe they figured if he had enough guts to risk getting his ass kicked, he had just what it would take to earn the honor of riding the almighty Hog.

Or maybe they just felt sorry for him, so wanting to break free from a self image that cannot help but wallow in such bad press.

All the same, they taught him well; no stupid shit, no showing off, no smiling when you ride -- unless you need some bug protein, of course...all essential to nerd killing.

It really was like riding a bicycle.

Shedding the nerd skin has a lot of advantages, not the least of which being winning the heart of the girl you're in love with. He had at the time a major crush on Janet Johnson, who graduated the same year from the same high school as he. She was a stunning beauty, becoming the head cheerleader at the time and was dating the star quarterback. She had aspirations of becoming a fashion model after she graduated, and had no interest in knowitall geeks like what Richard was at the time.

She found in time that her relationship with the football hero was constraining; he wanted an at-home wife and mother, which is also what her parents Jake & Fergie Johnson wanted for her. Five years after graduation Janet left the football hero to pursue her dreams.

She had managed to land a few jobs modeling clothes for the catalogs of one of the local department stores, and hairstyles for advertisements for the Glamourous Beauty Salon. Soon she found herself wanting to be seen as more than just a pretty face. She began to attend college majoring in journalism and broadcast media, and soon had a regular column as a movie critic for The Magmaville Times Additionally she hosted a public radio program called Forbidden Performances -- which featured recordings of live performances, songs, albums, etc., that were forbidden from airplay due to copyright restrictions, FCC regulations, outcry from fundamentalist religious groups, and whatnot.

It came to pass that the Magmaville had a 5 year high school reunion coming up and somehow the planets and stars aligned in a way that would be conducive to both Richard and Janet to attend this fandango together. Janet was flat out blown away at the sight of Richard riding his beloved new Hog into the parking lot of the campus. She fell instantly in love.

The two of them began dating, to Fergie & Jake's mutually bitter chagrin -- as they would've preferred that she marry the quarterback and be a wife and mother. The more Janet got to know Richard, the more she enjoyed his company. Now, he may have been a real tiger in the bedroom way before he started courting those bikers for a lesson in manhood, but before then, who would've known? Even so, it wasn't the image of the rugged dude on the bike that Janet fell in love with, but rather with someone who looked to be as if he'd made up his mind once and for all to be a man already!! You'd think she'd find that in a star quarterback, but no this one. And anyway, she was feeling rebellious to begin with...so he suited her fine. So the two of them were engaged six months later, and in another 18 months she became his old lady.

He didn't stick with the biker gang that taught him everything he knew about riding a Harley, athough he'd earned their respect enough that he could've been the leader of his mentors if he wanted to. He found an even greater sense of respect and cool about being the lone wolf, and that he loved to ride with none but his biker mama sitting behind him with her arms wrapped around him.

The Yossarians brought two strange rebel broads into this world. The first was Estella Jean (Stella for short) and the second was Candace Margaret (who prefers to be called Cannes, after the french town where the film festival is always held). For their sake, the parents invested in a family van for grocery runs, family outings, errands, & doctor appointments (this would become essential). Even so, Richard always maintained his Hog, kept it in top running condition in hopes of the day when he'd get to teach at least one of his girls the fine art of riding a Harley Davidson.

For now, this was a form of normaloid utopia, so he'd ride this out in the meantime.

But here's where it starts to go downhill for The Yossarians.

Although Fergie had severe misgiving regarding this marriage, and felt shame to think that such a nice boy like Richard Yossarian had degenerated into a damned hillbilly hoodlum *gasp*! She nearly disowned Janet, instead turning her attention to her stepson Mortimer Johnson. However, a tragic turn of events gave her a change of heart. Jake Johnson, her first husband and biological father of Janet and Mortimer (the latter from one of his previous marriages) had been living with diabetes for much longer than she'd known him. One year, while the two of them were on a sort of 2nd Honeymoon, Jake was driving along Highway 1 when he had a diabetic seizure brought on by a sudden severe glucose drop, and drove headling into a collision with a diesel truck. Jake died instantly. Fergie barely survived. Both her legs were so badly damaged that they couldn't be saved, and she needed to have them both amputated. Additionally, her throat was severely damaged and a tracheotomy was needed if she was ever to breathe again. So in short order she lost her 2nd husband whom she loved dearly, the use of both her legs, and her natural speaking voice.

But the bad news didn't end there.

Stella was 12 years old when this tragedy happened. Mortimer needed help with the funeral arrangements and with keeping an eye on his mother as she recovered. So there was no ruling out Janet. Janet was daddy's little girl, and the news devastated her. So the entire family was packed into the van and on their way to her family's home.

The journey took a lot longer than usual. Poor Stella had become insatiably thirsty, began drinking a lot of fluid, which made it necessary for many rest stops to accommodate her. Eventually they made it to the hospital room where Fergie was staying. While Stella and Cannes visited with Mum-mum, Richard and Janet had a private chat with Morty.

"How many rest stops?!?"

"At least 7, not even counting the lunch break. And she was drinking like a fish at lunch."

"We tried to get her to cut back, but she's always thirsty anymore, I dunno what."

Morty just looked back in the direction where Mum-mum's room was. Janet and Richard instantly suspect that Morty's getting a bit worried.

"That's a classic sign, you know. Dad's had it for years and it finally caught up with him, and now look what's happened!"

Many of you can see what was in store of Stella: a complete physical and a blood draw test later, the results were in: Stella's pancreas wasn't producing insulin. So she was put on insulin therapy. Of course they broke the news to Mum-mum after she was released from the hospital in time for memorial services for Jake.

With that Fergie comes to see the idea of disowning her daughter Janet as a huge mistake. Time spent in the hospital was spent reflecting on what might've been, that she too could've died without seeing her granddaughters grow up, and although she's lost a lot to save her own life, she feels God has given her a second chance at reconciliation with her daughter and her family. And with the kind of scatterbrained choices she feels Janet has made with her life, those little girls are probably gonna need some good guidance in the face of what's in store for her...especially little Stella.

Poor Stella. She needed the toilet.

She really needed to pee so badly.

She wanted to hold it in, to be able to wait until the next town at least before pestering her dad for a much needed rest stop. Hell, she didn’t want to worry about pissing, she just wanted to be with her father and join him on these road trips and just enjoy the ride the way many other people seemed to do.

But nooooooooooooo…..

Every drop she’d ever drank seemed to plunge right through her, and the more she held it in, the more desperate she got. And those potholes in the road were no help at all. In fact, that last pothole was murder.

Richard heard his daughter groan, and checked to see her pained expression in the rear view mirror of his beloved Harley Davidson. “You don’t look like you’re enjoying the ride very much, kiddo.”

“I’m sorry, Baba. I need to stop again, but I don’t wanna stop every 5 minutes.” The nearest toilet was about 5 miles away. She wanted to keep going, but she couldn’t stand the pain anymore.

Luckily there were some bushes by the side of the road, and that was where Richard pulled over. By that time, Stella didn’t care if she wet herself or not. She just wanted to pee and get it out of her system. So as soon as she hid behind the shrubbery and damn near tore her panties off, her bladder exploded. All that piss water she’d been holding back gushed out of her cunt, and she cried out in relief: “God, that felt so good!!!” she thought. It took awhile before she was completely emptied and when she finished she burst into tears.

It frustrated her that she couldn’t enjoy traveling with her parents, that she always needed to pull over, that she had to choose between holding it all in and enduring a pain she just plain hated, or stopping at every pissoir en route. It frustrated her to the point of tears.

“Wassa matta, gurl? Couldn’cha pee?”

Stella couldn’t say anything. She was too embarassed. She was crying. Why couldn’t she just enjoy the ride?

“Oh, now…we’ll get to Los Osos Beach soon enough.” Richard chuckled. “Poor little bitch.” He thought. “It’s not her fault she has diabetes, after all.” He held his daughter as she sobbed, and while she did, she felt yet another pissing urge come upon her. This frustrated her all over again.

“Dammit, this is fucking torture!!!” She wailed.

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